Awakening

 Growing up I was the girl from a small town that dreamed of "bigger" and "better" things and never really had the desire to marry a high school sweetheart, have 2.5 children and hang out with my high school friends that chose to stay close to home.  Not that there is anything wrong with this decision or life, it just wasn't what I wanted for my life.  I wanted to move to a big city and have a career that I was incredibly passionate about and that would change the world.

So I set off for a private college and studied four years of advertising and public relations and all the while my lofty expectations only grew and grew.  I met amazing people and made many friendships that I still cherish years later.  I was praised for my talents and my professors cultivated my high career expectations after graduation.

But on the day of my graduation, instead of feeling hopeful and excited, I felt confused and anxious.  I had no idea what direction to take or even where to begin but I tried to stay positive and focused on my goal.  So after graduation I began working full time for the retail company I worked at through college and hoped that something would come along.  Then an opportunity came up in the dental field, mostly because of my mother's high position for a large dental corporation and then because of my hard work and motivation, it progressed.  I was now able to live on my own and start my adult life.

But I felt like I was settling and that I had failed.  At 27 years old I felt like a failure.  I became very depressed and felt very alone.  My mother didn't understand, because in her eyes I had a job that paid well and allowed me to live on my own and live life comfortably.  I prayed every night for wisdom and clarity but felt more confused than ever.  I had chosen to pursue an unattainable self definition of success through my career choice instead of a family... and now I had neither.

Then one day I asked myself where these high self imposed expectations for my life were really coming from.  And once I was honest with myself I realized I wanted to be impressive.  I wanted others to realize I wasn't that small town girl.  I wanted them to know I made something more of myself.  But this reason was at the heart of my failure.

I was trying to live my life and making decisions for my future by placing the opinions of other before my own. 

It mattered more to me that someone was impressed with my career than how I felt about where my life was going.  I was putting so much pressure on myself that I truly hated who I was and what I had done (or hadn't done) with my life.

Can I just say how hard that was for me to admit.  It was true, but it was hard. 

Then I had this peace that washed over me.  I realized I no longer had to live my life with the expectations of the people around me.  I could live the life I wanted to live and go after whatever I was passionate about and if I failed...well I didn't have to be ashamed.  I could be proud of myself for trying.  I realized that I never really went after anything before because I was afraid of the way others would judge that failure.  I can't say I still don't worry about the opinions of others, but I can say that each day I hold them a little less important than the day before.  Now the options are truly endless.

I could live in a small cottage with my husband and children and have a garden in the back yard or move to New York City and work for a non profit organization and my husband and I take our children to play in Central Park.  Most importantly my career will not define me and I could see it as a means for allowing me to go after my passions.  One day I hope those two will be joyed, my career and my passions, but for now I'm going to live life beautifully.

Now I desire to pursue my passions, love fiercely, travel more, and live each day as if it was the best day of my life and I was given the chance to experience it again.