Grace for a Cupcake

Beginning a new diet isn't something unfamiliar to me.  I am always incredibly motivated for the first week or two...but that is inevitably when temptation and convenience, mixed with a busy schedule, get the best of me.

But this time will be different.  

There are two reasons for this difference declaration...

#1  I am taking more of a spiritual approach to temptation and motivation.  Not that I am planning on casting demons out of the delicious looking cheese danishes in the Starbucks display or anything... I just realize that I trust in God for strength and wisdom in many other areas of my life and my health and fitness should be no exception!

#2  I will have some kind of public accountability!  Granted it may just be the two or three of you that stumble across this blog while searching for healthy recipes or fitness tips and my mother...but nevertheless, it is worth a shot.

Can I guarantee that I will meet my 100 pound weight loss goal?  No.
Can I guarantee a positive perspective on the days I just want red velvet cake?  Nope.

But I can promise that this journey will be full of trials, celebrations and joy :)  (And perhaps a bit of humor as I plan on attempting holy yoga, juicing and some very interesting new foods...)  I can also promise that I will mess up, give into temptation and maybe even want to quit.  But that is when God's grace will be sufficient...even for a cupcake :)

Rhythms of Grace

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

-C.S Lewis

Today I started thinking what my 'perfect' life would be like....dreaming of changing the world and going on to do BIG and amazing things!  In the last few years since college, I have often imagine what future God has for me...and almost every time I find myself a little disappointed.  I get so focused on my 'big' future I find myself sad and a little unsettled with my present.

But that stops today.  While I will never let go of the desires God has placed in my heart, I am letting go of the burden of discontentment I feel the need to carry every day.

What would the church look like if we all just found joy and contentment in the place God has us in right now?

I know I have so much to be thankful for and I'm ready to live my life in a grateful and grace-filled way.  I will never be in a place other than where God has placed me.  I am here for a reason.  In this place right now because it is God will.  I think there is so much comfort in that realization.

God has a plan.

Maybe he's been waiting for me to show my obedience in my present before he unveils the next step.  Maybe once I let go of my expectations of the future my eyes will be opened to the opportunities in my present.  Maybe the joy that will come from trusting God will supersede the discontentment.  No matter what the outcome, I can be sure that God knows the best and his plan is far greater than my own.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It's a Beautiful Day

Happiness is a feeling, not a journey.  It is so surprising to me how much I really have control over my own feelings.  I know that sounds obvious...but I mean it really hit me this week that I have control over the outcome of my day or what kind of mood I am going to be in right now.  I don't have to strive to have a happy life, I can CHOOSE a happy life right here and now.  And I know many may say, easier said than done...but that's just my point.  It can be that easy.  We have the power over our happiness.  Sure bad things are going to happen, some devastating things...and of course it is okay to be heartbroken and sad for a period of time...absolutely.  But we can't let those events or heartbreaks define us, because then we are giving that bad thing power over us.  And honestly it doesn't deserve it.

I have the hardest time with this concept of letting things go.  I love to dwell on conversations or situations and replay what I should have done or should have said.  I love to imagine the way I would confront someone that has hurt me.  I would say just the right thing to prove my point and leave them thinking about it days later.  But this really isn't any way to live.  It is a waste of my time and my God given talents.  I am writing this, not because I have it all together, its quite the contrary.  I am writing this from a learning place because I am daily realizing these truths.  I'm sure I have more flaws than most, but I enjoy sharing my thoughts and feelings on subjects like this in the hope that one person will realize that they aren't alone in how they feel.  You're not alone.  We aren't alone.  I think there is beauty and power in that.

Awakening

 Growing up I was the girl from a small town that dreamed of "bigger" and "better" things and never really had the desire to marry a high school sweetheart, have 2.5 children and hang out with my high school friends that chose to stay close to home.  Not that there is anything wrong with this decision or life, it just wasn't what I wanted for my life.  I wanted to move to a big city and have a career that I was incredibly passionate about and that would change the world.

So I set off for a private college and studied four years of advertising and public relations and all the while my lofty expectations only grew and grew.  I met amazing people and made many friendships that I still cherish years later.  I was praised for my talents and my professors cultivated my high career expectations after graduation.

But on the day of my graduation, instead of feeling hopeful and excited, I felt confused and anxious.  I had no idea what direction to take or even where to begin but I tried to stay positive and focused on my goal.  So after graduation I began working full time for the retail company I worked at through college and hoped that something would come along.  Then an opportunity came up in the dental field, mostly because of my mother's high position for a large dental corporation and then because of my hard work and motivation, it progressed.  I was now able to live on my own and start my adult life.

But I felt like I was settling and that I had failed.  At 27 years old I felt like a failure.  I became very depressed and felt very alone.  My mother didn't understand, because in her eyes I had a job that paid well and allowed me to live on my own and live life comfortably.  I prayed every night for wisdom and clarity but felt more confused than ever.  I had chosen to pursue an unattainable self definition of success through my career choice instead of a family... and now I had neither.

Then one day I asked myself where these high self imposed expectations for my life were really coming from.  And once I was honest with myself I realized I wanted to be impressive.  I wanted others to realize I wasn't that small town girl.  I wanted them to know I made something more of myself.  But this reason was at the heart of my failure.

I was trying to live my life and making decisions for my future by placing the opinions of other before my own. 

It mattered more to me that someone was impressed with my career than how I felt about where my life was going.  I was putting so much pressure on myself that I truly hated who I was and what I had done (or hadn't done) with my life.

Can I just say how hard that was for me to admit.  It was true, but it was hard. 

Then I had this peace that washed over me.  I realized I no longer had to live my life with the expectations of the people around me.  I could live the life I wanted to live and go after whatever I was passionate about and if I failed...well I didn't have to be ashamed.  I could be proud of myself for trying.  I realized that I never really went after anything before because I was afraid of the way others would judge that failure.  I can't say I still don't worry about the opinions of others, but I can say that each day I hold them a little less important than the day before.  Now the options are truly endless.

I could live in a small cottage with my husband and children and have a garden in the back yard or move to New York City and work for a non profit organization and my husband and I take our children to play in Central Park.  Most importantly my career will not define me and I could see it as a means for allowing me to go after my passions.  One day I hope those two will be joyed, my career and my passions, but for now I'm going to live life beautifully.

Now I desire to pursue my passions, love fiercely, travel more, and live each day as if it was the best day of my life and I was given the chance to experience it again.

Man and Wife

I didn't go to college looking to find my husband, but I did think since it was a Christian university full of moral men, we would meet never the less.  Where else would I meet him?  After I graduated, still single, I began looking towards my friend circles and church, but came up wanting. 

One day I was sitting in Panera drinking coffee and typing a letter to get into grad school, when I received a facebook message.  This message came from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in years.  He was 2 years younger than me and we met in a leadership class my senior year.  Our casual conversation turned into one about failures and life experiences.  I was trying to find direction and he was in the process of trying to move his life in a better direction, away from bad decisions and the wrong friends (which included moving an hour and a half away).  We were honest to a fault.  We were both vulnerable and honest and there to offer support for each other.  This afternoon conversation turned into weeks of talking and long strings of daily text messages.

To be honest I thought it would just be 'fun for now' and I welcomed the attention and the break from reality.  Kevin was sweet and flirtatious and I knew it was quickly becoming something more.  So when he asked what I thought about making our relationship more exclusive, I scrambled.  God hadn't given me the wisdom that he was the one and I desperately wanted to make sure I made the right decision.  So I told him that I needed to focus on my relationship with God and what he had for my life.  Kevin's response was something I never expected.

I'll wait for you.  I know what I want and I'll wait until you realize it's what you want too.

And he did wait.  Months.  He waited and patiently and respectably pursued me.  Honestly, I started to fall for him...fall hard.  And after praying for wisdom and direction I never felt like I really had an answer and so I deduced the reason was because God didn't approve.  For some reason I thought God didn't approve of this man that respected me, complimented me and treated me so well.   

For our first New Year's Eve together, Kevin drove down and we spent the weekend hanging out.  It was his birthday as well, so I worked hard to make it special.  I bought him gifts and even made him him one.  It was a deck of cards I decorated to express the 52 reasons I loved him.  After dinner I decided to take him to one of my favorite spot in the city.  A bridge that spans over the river, right outside of downtown.  It was a breathtaking view.  But that night, even more breathtaking weather.  It was windy and well below freezing.  We started walking across the bridge and shortly our walk turned into a sprint towards the middle where there is a viewing area that is surrounded by a concrete wall.

The distance did begin to take a toll on our relationship and Kevin decided to move.  This was a huge step, for both of us.  But once he was here things were so smooth and we both committed to taking the time to make it work.  And work it did!

A few months later Kevin and I went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants (just a casual place) and after he asked if I wanted to take a walk on our bridge.  This was pretty common because the bridge became one of our favorite spots to walk to from our house.  It was getting dark when we reached the our "spot" and stood there, looking out on downtown.  It was gorgeous.  During our conversational debate about who loved whom more, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

I had so many ideas about the wedding...I had only been planning it since I was 5 years old.  I found the perfect dress, the perfect venue and had all of those little details that would make the day special worked out.

Then things started to fall apart.

My parent's 30 year marriage was ending in a very very messy divorce and my whole family was drug through it while relationships between all of us suffered.  Girl friends that I had been so thankful to have in my life were suddenly causing more drama and tears than any friendship is ever worth.  Through all of this I had Kevin (and an incredible best friend) to lean on and I think the weight of all of that began to strain our relationship.  The last thing I wanted to do was have a wedding. 

After several months things began to get even worse and I felt like I was in such a dark place I just couldn't handle it.  At that point Kevin took the reigns.  This is significant because in our relationship he's the laid back one and I am the planner/type-a one.  This was such a blessing and I thank God for giving Kevin the wisdom and patience to really help out of that dark place.  He made me realize the importance of focusing on our relationship and really making it our priority again.  He asked me to forget everything and just answer one question. 

"What would your dream wedding look like?"

I knew my answer, it was so simple, but a little bit crazy.  My dream would be to get married in Central Park in New York City...even if it was just the two of us and my best friends Lauren.  (I have always loved NYC and after getting the opportunity to visit for a week several years ago I was hooked)  His answer?  Let's do it!  Once we shared the plans with our friends and family, we were shocked at how many wanted to go with us!

So now our wedding date is set for September 20th in New York City at the Bethesda Terrace in Central Park :)

Our journey so far hasn't always been easy, but I think it's during the hard times that we have grown the most.  I look back and I'm so thankful for those tear-filled nights he held me and told me everything would be okay.  Honestly I didn't know what love meant until it meant being with Kevin.  We enjoy hanging out, cooking together, volunteering at church and working towards our life goals.

I had no idea in that high school classroom 9 years ago, the boy sitting next to me would mean so so much to me :)  

Bittersweet...but so sweet

Is it just me, or does our self control go on vacation during the holidays?  Especially when it comes to food.  I don't know what it is, but I have the inner need to finish off every bit of savory and sweet foods left over from Thanksgiving.  It's a little nuts.  It's also more than a little delicious...which most likely adds significantly to the problem.

I always have the best of intentions during most of the year to eat healthy and get into shape, but for some reason around the holidays those intentions are gone and don't come back until after New Years when I'm stuffed and guilty. 

What can we do to change this?  Do resolutions for weight loss ever work for anyone?

I've heard the key to success is to view weight loss as a 'lifestyle change' or an addiction you have to overcome....but if that's true, I don't think our best intentions or tries are going to cut it.  I can't remember the last time I heard an alcoholic say that he was really able to quit drinking by just giving it a shot or 'really trying'....though I always think this approach will work for me with weigh loss!  And then I'm bummed when it doesn't!

I think the reason I don't take it addiction level serious, is because I feel like I can change any time and some times I think my eating habits are that bad....I EVEN sound like an addict!!  

I'm excited for what the new year holds and I even have a few 5k races on the books so we will see!  So here's to the final year with a weight loss resolution  : )